I am slurping my drink like I am going to the electric chair
I just used Master P to describe what sound the letter U makes to my daughter...
dude, that chick is coming to see me and stay for 2 nights. I'm hitting the 3rd in the trifecta of friends.
You're one hell of a depraved bastard dude, I'm borderline speechless. You officially win.
They all have matching tattoos so they're all official bffs. I love my life.
Just saw remains of her puke from last night on my pants.... thats got "Apology BJ" written all over it.
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Who was that guy you went home with?
Hang on, I'm trying to ask his name right now.
Remember the girl passed out in front of my fireplace?
She's gone now. Left with the wind like a majestic leaf that just rides the invisible current to locations unknown. And dude, her friends were really hot.
do you still have a key to my apartment? Without going into too much detail locked myself out naked on the patio, currently using a deck cushion to cover myself so kids walking home from school dont see me
Getting a vibrator would be like waving the white flag of surrender in this war against my vagina and its hormone army.
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I feel violated by Miley Cirrus's performance in the VMA's.
I was just trying to flirt with James Franco but she kept telling me to take shots out of Ron Burgundy's mouth
we turned the lights off and all you could see were my glow in the dark stars and his penis
I think I swiped left on my soulmate
dude it's 9am and i'm still drunk it's too early for sexting
You're not who I thought you were. You've changed.
I've run into almost every guy I've ever slept with today. It's like they know just how horny I am.
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