I judge my drunkenness on my brickbreaker playing skills. I'm winning. Suck it.
i carry sandwiches in my pockets more than any normal person should
i dont even know how to be here
Does puking on your bio final mean I can retake it?
i was gonna fuck her but then she started eatin sushi from her purse. i really need to raise my standards
i didnt think "maybe you should take over" was a good thing to say when i couldnt get it up
i think dick pics are a sign of a sexual renaissance
She asked if I wanted to "Mormon Motorboat" her, which I guess is just motor-boating her through her cloths. Turns out I did.
I need rollerblades now
Rollerblades pick up bitches
I'm pretty sure my intestines are bleeding but I'm still going to Orlando to catch that orgasm.
Wanna show up on a guy's doorstep and punch him in the balls for me? At least this one isn't a cop.
I'm sorry I never said I wasn't coming home last night. To my defense I did type and send a text, only I was too drunk to realize I sent it to the guy I was with instead of you.
I Woke up still tied to the bed. I would say, it was a good night!
I mean, don't most people have like a two week grace period where it's okay to ditch new friends?
This morning, I found 5 naked people in Steve's bed with post sex hair, and Steve fully clothed sleeping on the ground.
Randomize
