so high driving around just saw a woman in a pink shirt chillin riding a horse
so high at work that a 35 year old with his kids handed me visine and winked at me. you win with the horse though
The guy in the library beside me just whipped out an entire loaf of bread, a knife and a container of peanut butter and is proceeding to make multiple sandwiches.
She said she's saving anal for marriage cuz she has to save something for her husband...seriously just caught myself lookin at rings.
i wrote down the address for planned parenthood on the back of the receipt for the condom that broke
I'm slowing backing away from her. I tried breaking up with her and it felt like I was clubbing baby seals.
I was talking to some girls while you were falling off your bar stool into the person next to you.
I pretty much just threw a bunch of clothes and my vodka in a bag..idk where I'm gonna end up tonight but I'm prepared.
I can't believe you broke a Paula dean wooden spoon over my ass
You can cross "give someone a blow job while playing Colors of the Wind" off my bucket list.
According to the red cross, I'm not suppose to do anything strenuous for the next 24 hours. That means you're on top.
Haha he's lucky I don't kick him back into the land of the majestic handjobs
Gotta get dat. Gotta get dat. Gotta get dat dat dat dat dat ~uterus contraction~
I WOKE UP IN A FUCKING DOG BED HOW DO YOU THINK I FEEL
He knows whenever I get drunk I'm going to call him and make fun of his major. Its like a reverse booty call.
Just so you know.. If you ever cheat on me, i will cut your dick and fingers off and post them as my cover photo on Facebook. Love you.
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