Memo to self- delete texts about butt sex from you before giving my mom my old phone to use.
I wish everyone could be as happy as the people in the laxative commercials.
I just put anything in between my legs and hope for the best.
I told her at least we still had each other. That's when she started crying.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Aaaaand I just watched him face plant in front of the taxi. This is why we don't invite him to margarita night.
At the ER. Dropped bottle lead to cut foot which led to me drunk hitting on doctors. Not going well.
Everything tastes like Lysol. Am I dying?
Just talked a homeless guy out of suicide. Was rewarded with a garbage bag full of mountain dew bottles and zannies. Im such a good person
After much deliberatipn and vodka, my favourite phrase of Christmas 2012 is "penis of last resort"
I don't know if I want context or not...
Context involves faux incest and champagne. Id go into detail but im on shot number 5.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
He spelled Steven with "ph", needless to say my nose was almost bleeding from the amount of axe he was wearing.
Is there a greeting card for "I can't keep being The Other Woman"?
well my grandpa saw your dick pic, so why don't you tell me how my day is going
He literally poured blue Gatorade on me after we had sex and said "good game" all over my white sheets
Hey kevin, it's Ashlee. I have been trying to get ahold of you. Your pledge gave me your number. I really wanted to apologize for shitting in your car I'll buy new upholstery or pay to have it shampooed if needed. I'm so embarrassed.
I don’t care if there’s a pandemic. My husband gave me a hall pass for my 40th birthday and I’m going to use it!
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