My drug dealer is spending the weekend in my studio apartment. I feel like I've crossed a line that should never be crossed.
So he told me he wanted to fertilize my caviar. Im avoiding all foreign exchange students from now on.
we fucked the fort apart but we'll rebuild it after we get some drinks.
It was like the Alcoholic Olympics...double fisting fifths with eight 40s in my backpack...running from the cops in stilettos. I will have bitchin' hamstrings come Monday.
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It's gotten so bad I typed my will out on my phone in case it's over.
My uber driver just told me I smell like fun...still drunk at 7 am
I had sex with him in the back of my car in a duck onesie. I'm worth something dammit.
I'm sorry I called your mother a reasonably-priced receptacle.
I was like sure, i'll have a drink or two to end the night early. Next thing i know theres a ton of dudes in my house and like 3 gallons of wine. I cant do anything in moderation.
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I almost stopped mid bj to let him know I appreciated his balls being nice to look at/have my face near. But I didn't know if that would ruin, or improve the moment.
THIS IS NOT A LAUGHING MATTER, CAITLIN. MY PARENTS ARE FUCKING. LOUDLY.
Just as an add on, don't expect me to wear matching bra and underwear. If I do, I'm probably drunk and it's your fucking birthday. Have a great night.
Just got thrown out of the club for making condom water balloons. I'm not ashamed.
Do you think telling guys I'm majoring in magic is a good pickup line?
I wish i didn't black out tuesday so i could have cherished our moment together
Throwing up together is NOT a cherishable moment...
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