Honestly I wish you never came into my life. I know I don't want you. But I keep trying to get you back bc of the memories
I don't see you I see the memories. All the time
You've picked up chicks by quoting metal bands
When they're drunk they believe it's Shakespeare...enjoy the simple things
The fact that both my ribs are severely bruised from shoving flasks in my bra might be a validation of my mothers alcoholic accusation
So I cleaned out my gym bag. Found half a bottle of malibu.
You know, I could pretend I'm shocked but what's the use?
There's a fried egg and an empty bottle of reddiwhip in the parking lot. Did you have fun last night?
trapped on the roof of the strip club. help
I really resent how she stayed home and ruined my plans to watch sci-fi and masturbate.
While we were driving she just screams from the backseat: MUMFORD AND SONS DROP THE BANJO and made what were meant to be banjo sound effects
There were grown college boys running around north campus in capes with nerf guns. If security were to be called I think they would just give them more beer.
I no longer exist. I have transformed into a puddle of sex.
I need someone to play with my boobs. Even platonically. I just need a good groping
Why do pants feel so unnatural once you enter your own house
Never make a coconut bikini from a real coconut.
I smell like old thai food.
You know when you're a kid and you play at the pool until you passed out? It was like that except instead of playing it was sex.
And I mentioned the burning debate about your circumcision in my Christmas card to your mom.
Randomize
