Friend I haven't seen in almost a year just IMed me to let me know that my mom stuck her boob out the window on the freeway at her.
Her mom responded by mooning my mother. I really don't know what's worse.
I'm on my fifth double. This night is getting better whether it likes it or not.
btw when he was trying to sleep i was apparently poking him in the face w my 'flipper' slurring random manatee facts
I created another version of Halloween, it's called swalloween, whatever girl in a slutty costume you bring home has to swallow or forever be known as the holiday grinch
At front desk. Got a beer drinking pigeon.
The moral of the story is do not hire me because everything will end up smelling like pickles and I will not sufficiently clean it up.
I think I need to donate blood to see if I have Hepatitis. Again.
he got all sad that i was going to fuck his roommate, so i just asked him if it would make him feel better if I let him motor boat me. i am such a saint.
30 year old woman with braces and crocs came into the store today with her boyfriend. what am I doing wrong.
Your rough animalistic sex sounds are disrupting my cocktail hour
so go get some goddamn bacon and lay in his bed naked. he'll love it.
I'm about to play another round of who's panties are in my car.
i'll explain later but cookie monster is playing the xylophone
You can only use the "she handcuffed me naked to your bed, i couldn't do anything, sorry bro" excuse once.
You have a tempurpedic. you only have you to blame.
I'll text you tomorrow when I'm not in someone's torture cave if I don't by noon call for help.
Randomize
