Michael Bay diarrhea
Call me immediately, my only recent boy news involves me biting a dick.
did you hook up at the wedding?
No but I jerked off on the hotel sheets. I wanted to get my moneys worth.
My main thought on the Olympics: I need LESS cowbell.
Just puked in the monkey exhibit at the zoo. They ate it. I don't want a pet monkey anymore.
He was standing in the front door with a kareoke machine yelling at the neighbors as the unloaded their van
Is it bad to get into the ocean at night? i always thought sharks hated the smell of vomit after drinking
she wants to wait til the kids are asleep so im just shotgunning the parents beers in the pillow fort. I love fucking babysitters
You looked like my 4th grade science fair volcano project when you burped. Told you chugging a 40 would be awesome.
he had the kids march single file in front of us on the way home so they didn't have to watch him pulling me passed out in their wagon...
I also tried to solve my dog's itching problem with crystal healing. I'm so high, dude.
I just rubbed amethyst all over him and kept saying 'no bites.'
Like, you've got the smoothest dick in the west. Do you moisturize?
Yes I do
someone needs to name a hurricane after you
Somehow I ended up in a different costume dancing with some tree of a guy in the basement bathroom, what did you give me?
You are hereby uninvited from future Turnt Tuesdays until further notice.
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