The Lord gave Farrah Fawcett 1 wish when she died. She wished that all children in the world would be safe! The Lord granted her wish and killed Michael Jackson.
We decided to smoke and then made crosses on our foreheads for ash wednesday
mom would be proud
dude i've broken up a marriage, I think I can handle a simple engagement.
Using the ceiling fan to slice the hotdogs in mid-air can only be contributed to our liberal use of 1800.
Hey Im running from the cops. hiding in a bush. when you're approaching the intersection honk the horn twice and I will come out.
Getting up is taking longer than anticipated. Alcoholic fish bowls have made getting out of bed a multitstep process.
I made this pact with my vagina, though. No more heartless fuckery.
I wanna give a stern lecture to whoever invented pants cause they are hard right now
I NEED ANOTHER LEVEL OF CAPS TO EXPRESS TO YOU THE MAGNITUDE OF MY FADDEDNESS
He fucked me so hard I had an asthma attack. I'm like the sickly poster child for celibacy.
Admittedly shitfaced... I have two questions. 1)why is the fan in my bathroom on? (Sub-text: is there a ghost?). 2) is your underwear really argyle?
jen just told me ur idea of revenge was saluting while letting his bong float away while attached to some balloons.
as your best friend, I hope we never outgrow 'I Just Got Laid' texts
Welp, no use in crying over spilt milk. I can't unbang her.
My roommate walked in on my inserting a tampon. Somehow, I don't think this will be improving our relationship.
Randomize
