I reminded them that I didn't puke and I cleaned yours up! So huh!
My mom is pretending to be Paula Deen while making breakfast...I'm pretty sure she's sober.
I am kinda proud of you, its like seeing my slutty baby take its first step
I woke up at 6 on his trampoline wearing only a parka.
I don't know what you're talking about. I just drank beer out of my own bellybutton by doing a backbend and letting it run down my body.
So my bf wanted to cum on my face and I let him. Afterwards I wiped some off, wiped it across his forehead and said, "The king has returned".
THAT IS NOT SOMETHING YOU TELL SOMEBODY THE FIRST TIME YOU MEET THEM IN THE DARK.
While the bouncer was checking my purse, he found a bag of pasta noodles in it and asked me why I put them in my purse. I said to him: "So the guy knows I can cook."
Now I can't unsee my hot boss's under-boobs. Monday will be awkward.
Pics or STFU
I bought 10 disposable adhesive bras and duct tape. If Home Depot can't help my breasts defy gravity, nothing will...
LMAO
How do you ask the man who gives you multiple orgasms if he has friends who could do the same for your friend?
I like to listen to classical music when I eat taco bell. I think it cancels out the aura of poverty and desperation.
90% sure I just opened a snapchat of you in a fuzzy bathrobe next to your ceiling collapsing
Remember, I smoked so you wouldn't have to. I'm like the Jesus of Marijuana.
It should be perfectly legal to tase anyone not wearing a mask.
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