It's American, baby! There ain't nothin gross about America.
i woke up with toilet paper straight tucked up in my underwear wearing a pizza sauce mustach. I dont think i got laid last night.
apparently "my dealer got arrested" is not an acceptable answer when mom asks "What happened? You look sad today"
he sent me this 10 second long video of a gorilla eating a banana on my phone. no explanation. I didn't even have his number. just. a gorilla eating a banana.
I'm leaving my hospital band on when we go drinking tonight. I'm aiming for pity sex.
Next guy we share better have a little more dignity than that
Well, no one has ever described you as a perfectly balanced individual
I told him I was very thankful for what his country has done to my vagina and walked away.
You know when you get a stripper pays your bail. You got good wood.
I'm not taking advice from anyone I've seen passed out naked at noon on the hood of a strangers car. Meaning you.
With 4 extra seconds dedicated to the dong.
These kind of text worry me.
Please tell me that I didn't call you to say I was swimming in outter space
I can never have sex in Utah again. The altitude had me breathing like a fat kid going up stairs.
My hand smells like rave and peanut butter.
So I was dancing on a table with these three girls and my bro. Started to makeout with one and as the song ended I asked what her name was. She said, and I quote, "Nate we hooked up two weeks ago". To which my reply was to lift my beer to bro and proclaim, "RAGE".
Randomize
