you only like me because i go down faster than a bridge in minnesota
it's not gay if you rub your penis between their butt cheeks and pretend they are tits
You were so drunk that you were trying to take pictures of a MILF at the park so you could send them to Adam, but you didn't want to "seem creepy," so you used taking pictures of her son as a cover. Needless to say, cops were called.
Oh god. It's my first day here, I'm still drunk and somebody just drifted in a forklift. I'm going to die.
Saying he's good in bed would be like saying Soulja Boy is a good rapper, completely unlogical if you've heard him.
"Tuesday" and "open-bar" shouldn't be used in the same sentence.
wanna go with us to feed the ducks bread soaked in vodka?
how could i say no?
He tried to make eye contact, he should know by now that freaks me out
Escaped ambulance. Meet me at your apartment.
I paid some man $10 for his shirt last night cause I liked it. Explains that. Bought the jackolope head from a street vendor. Got invited to someone's hotel rooftop swimming pool which explains why I was in my bathing suit. My clothes from last night are MIA. Going over the border with no pants on is awkward. Origins of the car rim still mysterious.
I wish a box of wine came w a hose. It'd be so much easier to drink from.
I woke up and he used my makeup to write "hope you don't get pregnant" on my mirror before he left
How are you going to come here and fuck on our couch ? That's everyones couch
There was pot, but there are no Doritos, no Funyons, no Oreos.
Send help.
Aww you are cute. With your penis. And failures.
Randomize
