Apparently I think casual Friday means I can show up unshaven in yesterday's clothes and reeking of booze.
He's trying to wipe up all the spilled drinks with a banana
I sent out a mass text that said "margaritas for Jesus?" and nobody responded, worst Easter ever.
well if I unknowingly shoved my hand up someones ass, I'm glad it was yours
andd if someone unknowingly shoved their hand up my ass without me knowing, im glad it was you
I remember your 21st ending with me driving you home while you insisted making bicycle signals out the car window.
I am sweating out the vodka to make room for the whiskey tonight.
We had to go visit his dealer in the hospital to buy some weed.
I'm not sure what happened. But I must have won because I obviously stole two full pitchers of beer from the bar and taped a note on them saying "your welcome"
You remember the guy that busted in waving a tazer at everyone yelling "get the fuck outta my crib"?
yeah you don't forget that shit easily
We ended up crawling out from our hiding spot and playing pool with him once he calmed down. His name is Marcus. I got his email.
i know i saw many looks of jealousy when i walked solo into subway carrying a cheesy gordida crunch after taco bell closing hours
I'm sure for most of the people, it was the one and only miracle they will see
I'm about to be a GTA V widow, he could at least throw me a bone. Literally.
I do NOT want to date a man who has no interest in going to a kangaroo farm
Ultimate cock block. About to have sex and your mom calls you so you can go help your grandmother figure out how to vote for the voice on her iPad
I'm just wondering how Jon managed to get vomit ON THE CEILING?
For not being a nurse or a sex worker I have seen an alarming amount of penises.
Randomize
