rough night. sneezed a watermelon seed this morning and apparently I drunk dialed my boss for a ride home. twice.
Is it wrong to beat off to a girl to determine if you like her or not?
Who wears a wallet chain?!
Pls don't use the words alligator, purple, and sperm in the same sentence ever again.
and then she judged me for using my bra as a potholder. hard times my friend, welcome to college.
I got offered a handle of vodka and tomato soup to bring his dog home. He knows me all too well.
I feel like having peed on eachother is a point in our lives we should never have gotten to...
At what point lastnight did a lens fall out of my glasses and nobody tell me?
Jus saw ur date getting a bj in the mcdonalds parking lot...u want anything?
he's had a change of heart. and besides, we could use a laugh.
oh, well, if you all need a good laugh, by all means endanger my life.
So we hooked up and then instead of texting me, he endorsed me on LinkedIn for Microsoft Word a few days later
All I want for Christmas is my co-worker's speakerphone to be thrown against a brick wall, and the remains burned in a backyard fire while I roast a hot dog over it. Is that so much to ask?
I lost all interest the day she banged that guy in the Amazon parking lot. That's a special kinda whore.
I just got dumped by my fuck buddy. Now I have to have sex with my husband.
I can’t believe you’re letting her use the Mercedes
It seemed like a better idea while she was giving me a hand job. It’s a good thing we weren’t having sex. Who knows what I would agree to during sex
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