My feet smell like cheese. Makes me hungry.
I'm constantly one strobe light away from an E flashback
Its the Friday before break. There are 20 kids in my 300 person lecture hall. All with the same what the fuck am I doing here look on there face.
You spilled spaghetti on the floor, and kept telling the noodles to "settle down" as you tried to clean it up
Trying to low-key throw up in the ocean is harder than it seems.
Well as our DD it was my responsibility to get us home safely. If that meant strapping you down to the backseat using all 3 seatbelts then so be it.
got delayed, meet you at the bar soon, found a shopping cart, i am now getting pushed to the bar by some guy that was peeing in the alley i found the cart in
ME TOO. Am adrunk madr out qith. White guy. Guy de white. Blanco chico. Chico de blanco
My Yoga instructor is playing the music from 'Requiem for a Dream' it makes me very reluctant to put my ass in the air
do you know where my other puke covered boot is
Because I know nothing is hotter than ocean themed dick pics on SnapChat...
He just texted me asking for his shirt back and I said I didn't have it and then I ran into him 5 minutes later while wearing the said shirt
It's Friday you fucking nerd of course I'm drunk.
i'm bringing homemade birthday cake and homegrown weed. how awesome is this text?
They don't really make a "hey I'm fucking your ex wife" card do they ?
Randomize
