also, i may or may not be wearing a cape right now. hint: i am.
i want to have as much fun as i did last weekend. but plus the condom and minus the fear.
you called me at 4 in the morning to tell me that your toaster burnt your english muffin, and that you "fuckin hated that thing."
its 4am and she invited me over to split a 'romantic bowl of frosted flakes'...really dude?...what do you think she's trying to say?...she better not be kidding about the frosted flakes though.
Still can't decide which I'm more disappointed about: the blow job I gave him or the donuts I ate after.
U asked everyone for their hoodies so u could "safely hug the cactus"
Someone jacked my earrings off me or I threw em in the toilet again
I hate when that happens
I THREW AWAY MY VIBRATOR BECAUSE IT INTIMIDATED HIM. WORST. DECISION. EVER
His hands kept asking for sex, but all I could think was "dude, this is going to ruin my high".
Blocking me on Facebook doesn't change the fact that you've had my penis in my mouth. So there's that.
My mom just walked in on me naked taking a shit and packing a bowl...the only comment she makes is, she wants her Tupperware back after my pot's out of it. Best mom ever.
Your next boyfriend should be from MENSA...you're so smart, it's intimidating as fuck. My penis retracted in fear.
Ah you cut my boxers off with scissors, we're way past introductions
Our baby is creepy.
That's how we know it's ours. haha
On a scale of 1 to 10, with 1 being “good” and 10 being “banging a student’s father”, how bad is it that I’m banging a student’s father?
Randomize
