apparently i ate an entire bag of goldfish, kissed some guy with a girlfriend who now wants to kill me, made my sister sleep in my bed with me while i wore no pants, and told my whole family i am pregnant with jonny's devil baby...never drinking again
It really wasent that hard. The male one had a M and the woman one had a W. I just couldent comprehend that at the time.
My eyes got the double whammy. Once with pepperspray from the riot the other with cum. Both of which i did nothing to deserve.
He told me all about his plan for proposing to his girlfriend as pillow talk.
there is a money trail leading from my bathroom to my living room.. the trail ends with a half eaten bag of chips with a note that says "magical chipz".. who am i?
Im sitting in church with a backpack full of beer bottles. This is friendship.
No The bastards made me buy a new one, They don't cover water damage an apparently they consider salsa water damage
His penis is small and he doesnt like Harry Potter. HE HAS NO REDEEMING QUALITIES WHAT AM I EVEN DOING HERE
Ripped as fuck driving to get a portrait of my cat tattooed on my arm
Gonna open a taco bell in colorado. Millions bro.
Just realized I probably only have one more wedding where I can say I fucked the bride.
Stocking up on Wasabi powder. Nobody's tampons are safe.
and then you two started interpretive dancing to Mozart
Honey you are a beautiful woman but I came over to eat your pizza and fuck your brother. And you're out of pizza.
I should buy myself lingerie for Valentine’s Day instead of a present for you because I am the present
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