I have funfetti in my underwear...will you come get me?
My eyes are so dilated i literally have night vision right now.
If you're going to watch porn, can you atleast be considerate and watch it on my old laptop and not the new one?
All I wanted to tell you is that I fucked a guy covered in fake blood, who circumcised himself.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I don't know what you told him but please make him stop telling me about his new video camera and winking
You had me sold at "fucking you down the slide"
Just put a dog collar on someone's child.....was a great hit with everyone but his mom.......I think she hates me. I'm okay.with that
I will call him whatever I please, including flaccid dick on forehead guy but not limited to watermelon cunt head.
I drunk-cried for all conjoined twins everywhere the other day.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Remember when you fed me goldfish while I was -inside- of someone?
As soon as the clock wound down to zero, she declared "HALF-TIME HEAD" and pulled down my pants. After the swallow, she said "BEER CHASER," got me a new one, and asked if she could make me a sandwich. Pretty sure she's lobbying hard for a ring.
I almost had sex in a public restroom last night in case you're wondering how much of a mess 22 is for me
I get stoned and write a 15 page history report in two hours. She gets stoned and cries because she "doesn't know which shade of pink is the real one".
Update: tequila girl had her hand down groomsmen pants
I’m planning a Pharmasutra for the first night after the pandemic ends
Pharmasutra?
Me + Chris + cocktails + viagra = night of orgasms
Randomize