At a stoplight watching a woman push groceries in a stroller while dodging oncoming traffic... Reallllly Detroit?
Its like a 4.5 hour drive but there's drinking involved so I'm destined to go
I mean, I don't even call it a hangover anymore. It's just morning.
I'm gonna make this happen. You think it would be too forward to text him my room number with turn by turn directions straight to my crotch?
Dude, the cops never think it's as funny as you do.
I just don't want to have to pretend at every family function she brings him to that he didn't hit on me first
SARAH B AND I ARE GOING TO GO HALFSIES AND BUY YOU A CAT. IS THAT OKAY. TO KEEP YOU COMPANY DURING THUNDERSTORMS SUCH AS THIS ONE. ITS BECAUSE WE LOVE YOU.
i've created a new STD.
I just tried to order ice cream on my bagel. I think I should just call it
Pulled a muscle in my back masturbating. But still listed as probable.
I swear she is the Mary Poppins of drugs
I just put on lipstick to sext him. That should tell you where my love life is at.
Instead of saying hi she asked if she could touch your dick through your ski bib and NOW I understand why you wore it to the bars
just so you know they found you begging for money at the L station. What the fuck did you drink last night?
You "drove" the computer chair around the party for a good fifteen minutes. you would crash into things, freak out, and yell for an ambulance.
Randomize
