just woke up. wallet empty. bottle empty. tattoo in pen on my arm. smell like bad sex. woke up alone. and wall-e is playing on my computer. need answers.
either we just had an earthquake or I am really good @ masturbating
Currently listening to 'Just Put it in Your Mouth.' remember when i went through that phase?
I never thought I would get head to the lion king soundtrack
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
bad decision 37: pregaming the antique store
Yeah but the gay hasidics turned out to actually just be real gay hasidics
Pretty sure that I got the MVP of wedding reception... woke up on the bench in the hallway of a hotel and we did NOT start the night there.
she texted me out of nowhere. and I wanted to get drunk. like I didn't even have her new number until 6 hours ago and bam we were rolling around drinking cotton candy vodka from the bottle she had stuffed in a boot
Yeah. I don't know. I'm just gonna show up at her place on valentines day with a jock strap, box of chocolates, and rose clenched between my ass cheeks with "be mine" written across my glorious man titties.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Let me just get through this whole court subpoena thing and then ill go back to buying alcohol for minors.
You woke up, looked straight at me and screamed "fuck barbara streisand!" and passed out again
Dude, Kevin called the cops on the cops.
He literally asked permission to hit on me
What's a really polite way of saying "you have gravely overestimated the value of your vagina?"
I need to find a divorced guy with a boat and let my tits do the talking
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