hey soul. what's that? you, dignity and pride are left for the night? coulda told me that before i vomited all over my mother.
How are you going to pay for strippers in Vegas when you were just begging for McDoubles?
I just fell off my chair and knocked over the table. People are staring. That hungover.
my vagina has been out of service for wayy too long... this semester needs to start like right now
Just used water from the fish tank for the bong. Thank you fishy.
On an unrelated note, i found out who duct taped shoelaces to my face
Euphemism? No, "pantsless vodka yoga" is a legitimate pastime of mine
Can you explain the plethora of sunflower seeds in the dryer?
Again??? Now we can't ever fucking go there again STOP PEEING IN FOYERS
Apparently I send drunk snapchats a lot and they always have random dudes in them. Like one night it was just me and some guy I don't know sitting on my couch.
I just ironed my gstring.. this is please fuck my brains out on a whole new level.
Ya know, one would think a restraining order would keep me from fucking my ex.
She was wearing American flag underwear. How could I NOT fuck her?
You're a true patriot.
My liver is going to reject life during Greek Week
How many liver transplants can a person have? Bc you may need a couple
She pregamed while taking a shower. Came out clean and drunk.
Randomize
