He left a cum stain in the shape of a heart on my sheets.
He's like the Bob Ross of love stains.
seriously who else gets carried home puking from a fucking mary kay party?
Ohmy god im about to fuxk my TA. i thyought this was a dream but i love you. <3
you left a paper here that says 'to do list' but it looks like you just wrote "drink a bunch of cough syrup and watch Who's the Boss" like 60 times
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DON'T LET IAN EAT HIS PEANUT BUTTER!!!
Just remembered that I poured a whole bottle of tylenol in there. It's chunky. It's deadly.
you wouldn't believe how quickly birth control dissolves in vodka
was it me or did you scream 'champagne motherfucker' when you punched him in the face ??
Found out people don't like it when you get drunk at fundraising auctions and bid in foreign currencies.
And then he said "if you were planning on bird feeding me that's not ok"
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
There is blood on my sheets, we apparently used 8 towels, everything in my shower is knocked down. Wut?
She looks like a beluga.
I want to splash her with water and when she screams say "I didn't want you to die. You looked parched"
I wonder if go pro can customize a cock ring so I don't have to hold the camera anymore
I'm sorry I didn't get you anything for your birthday
It's just you didn't get me the fucking bear suit last year
Vodka Red Bull is like your spinach if you were Popeye
I’m a lady. I promise I won’t oogle your junk when we go skinny dipping.
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