i'm trying to reconcile what i did last night with who i am as a person.
the women in the ladies room did not appreciate my innovation of turning a sink into a urinal
my secret santa just gave me a pregency test
so sad. i just ate the last good 'n' plenty out of the bottom of my purse.
I was literally just a half conscious dildo.
She bent the beer can with her tongue. I'm scared of what she'll do to me
that wasn't rum that I poured down your throat while you were sleeping
I'm not drinking anymore...and by that, I mean until St. Patrick's Day.
I hope your pay increase has gone through because I might need bail. This is not what I dreamed adulthood would be like.
Man, I want to make his penis a sandwich.
Why wake up next to a guy when you can wake up next to a bag of chips and not have to worry about what kind of std you might've caught
so like what it comes down to is do I wanna look like a boss ass bitch or do I wanna masturbate.
But you put your finger in my ass and the rest is history
I'm done, I have no more memes or ways to ask for nudes, so yeah
you face planting the wall was epic
did you at least save my tooth
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