watching jon and kate + 8 right now is like watching my parents split up
Court Ordered Rehab!!! Do you think I'll need a swimsuit?
you could play connect the dots with the people ive fucked in this room
She goes outside, smokes 2 cigarettes, and insists on walking up the 7 flights of stairs so that her heart stays in shape. this woman is crazy.
Damn it if I pass out in the bathroom one more time this month im going to rehab...
I don't drink during the week.... well, except for Bailey's Tuesdays, which I have to start implementing further.
The fool I made of myself at the Ugly Christmas Sweater party last night was surpassed this morning when I walk of shamed 6 miles at 7am with one mysterious wet leg and no pants on. I think my mom saw me and waved.
Amazing how you can get from "Merry Christmas" to sex in three texts.
I could have done it in 2
It's like getting ready for my vaginas own execution
She just came home holding a fire hydrant. Yes a fire hydrant.
How many strippers in the world do you think have had a debate with someone about the NRA?
Omg do you remember last night you kept pointing to your vag asking who wants to play this like a fiddle hahaha
I'm one bad relationship away from owning seven cats.
The fuck kind of sorcerer makes a pact with tequila
Most of the people I know from AA
Haha touché
I don't know, all I remember is waking up at 4 in the morning to him going down on me.
Randomize
