Why is my head in the toilet this morning but there is vomit behind the toilet
would you object to me following you around all the time with a video camera and selling it to TV? Your life could make me millions.
I woke up with a picture of my dick as my background. still wondering if it was a good night or not.
I have decided to cut my hair. This is based solely on the fact there is too much of it to clean vomit out every Sunday afternoon.
you started texting yourself and saying they were "divine messages from heaven" then you threw up on stacie's piano.
I hope the doctor doesnt lift up and my shirt and listen to my lungs. I dont want to explain why I have rug burns on my back.
I feel like I just need to fuck him after all his effort. like a "hey man good try" like those kids who get last place and still get a trophy.
For future reference "I'm too drunk to come today" is an acceptable line to get out of work. I love my job
What part of drinking with my mom makes you think i'd get naked
All of it
dude girls our age are getting married and having babies and I still can't figure out how to defrost my hotpockets
Why do I have a vague memory of your entire fraternity climbing in through my bedroom window?
I like how she'll post a picture on Instagram with her boyfriend and 2 hours later you'll send me a snap of her panties on your rear view mirror
next time you go get food at three am and leave a rando here can you warn me??? Also i tazed him. but it was just my little one so i think he'll be fine. bring me some fries.
i just really want to fuck a guy wearing lederhosen
it'll be sexier than it sounds, i promise
Juice tastes so weird without alcohol
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