i have a food baby... i think its a boy...
the coke olympics were a bad idea. there's a tree uprooted in the front of my building.
considering i was high when my dad made me pee in the cup i might fail this one
He told me that a camel appeared out of nowhere and it told him to quit smoking...
He just referred to himself as a sharp shooter. I had sex with that.
Just found a wrench in the washing machine. Sooo not doing your laundry anymore.
i need to start using my dry humping skills. i was dry humping champion in 7th grade
Unless you've also woken up wearing a poncho and a ring pop, I suggest you don't judge me. Okay, I even judged myself for that.
Is it possibile to sprain your taint?
She was that bad?
When you're awkward as a teenager, it never goes away. You just mask it. With makeup. And boobs.
my drug dealer is also my eyebrow lady. Two birds, one stone.
I aimed for bossy but it came out slutty
Oh and sorry for almost killing all of us last night... twice...
Skipping class. Wanna Drink now?
yea. just give me 15 min to write a paper.
That awkward moment when you were so fucking drunk lastnight that you and your fuck buddy wake up wearing eachother's clothing covered in hot cheetos with his cat curled up between your heads meowing. Thought you'd appreciate this moment with me.
Randomize
