what is the aproppriate waiting time between having sex and playing super Mario brothers
6 min
how should i feel about a person who brings a box of eggo waffles on the plane as a carry on?
Who would we be if we didn't go out to drink during finals week? NOBODY
She sat on the stairs and yelled sex positions at us. I don't remember if we went along with it but judging by the beer and condoms I'm thinking yes.
I picked the lock on the bathroom door and sang him a song while he pooped. Why is he mad?
You bought champagne and told everyone it was because I'd just found out I was pregnant. How exactly is that being a good wingman?
i've never been that scared in my life. i ran naked into the corner and he just stood there trying to shield his boner from the light.
My liver and my bank account can't afford another all nighter. Help.
I'm having a martini with dinner. A new level of class.
I'm stoned and eating mustard, also a new level of class.
You yell at me for giving you beer but not for licking spilled beer off your chest.
At least you didn’t announce to an entire bar you’ve eaten pussy, and then knocked your beer over.
There is a goat eating lettuce out of our fridge. Do you wanna grab a bloody mary?
Do not ever look at a picture of an erect ostrich penis. You will regret it.
Jus had a dream that I borrowed bob dylans car to save us from a pack of raptors. Pretty stoked about it.
Well, fuck this election. I'm getting drunk, regardless of who wins.
Randomize
