when im not freaking out about dying alone and unloved, i actually really enjoy being single
My dad just knocked on my door and told me that my vibrator was too loud
It's like, I'm the official vagina for that DJ group
His ankle bracelet went off in the middle of sex. That makes a girl reevaluate her life...
Maybe shotgunning 4 days after oral surgery wasn't such a good idea after all...
FRIENDSHIP PRAYER: May the crabs of 1,000 whores infest the crotch of the person who fucks up your day
Moonshine marathon is never a good idea
I think the exact words were 'I'd lett him to the weirdest shit to me'
So I just realized I have three bananas, seven condoms, three lube packets, three tampons, and a shot glass in my bag but no pen #modelstudent
Who looks around on a bright, sunny day and says, "you know what? Today I'm going to write gay dinosaur erotica"
I saved a sauce packet from taco bell that said "Free me" to use in my next break up.
good news, i've got tacos. bad news, kevin's in the ER. more good news, the tacos were free.
OMG I DIDNT READ THAT TEXT CAREFULLY CAUSE I'M ON THE DEVILS LETTUCE & I THREATENED TO PUNCH A CHILD OMG I'M SO SORRY
My boobs weigh the same amount as 25 pancakes
That moment when you’re at the doctor to give a sperm sample you’re only getting 3G so the porn is buffering
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