you only like me because i go down faster than a bridge in minnesota
Bagel with cream cheese. It's blowing my fucking mind.
How high are you right now..
I MICROWAVED IT. SIGNIFICANT IMPROVEMENT.
then she stuck her tongue in my ass
I thought we were talking about reason you aren't going to marry her?
i just opened a seperate checking account to keep track of how much i make and spend on our keggers
This summer isn't about fun. We have to train our livers to survive the next four years.
I never notice how majestic and beautiful my cat is unless I'm blazed
Did I run into a tree or get punched in the face?
Both.
so i ran into nick. i may be more gay than anticipated
It's def pee. WHY DO I PEE ON THINGS WHEN I DRINK TEQUILA
Drowning in science and also vodka. Hope you're having fun.
I only know one person in my class and that's my dealer.
I'm at the store buying a new phone cause I pissed all over mine last night. Drunk me is expensive as shit.
Vodka for breakfast. With a side of Frankenberries. Don't judge me.
Between his smile and monumental dick even the virgin mary woulda blown that man and I am far from the virgin. I didn't stand a chance.
I pointed at him and said “there goes mr fuckwad”
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