i keep walking around campus wondering if anyone is as stoned as i am
I checked into jail on foursquare
Left for charity run at 5AM. Saw a pigeon eating last night's vomit and a pair of shame-walkers in high heels. Nature at it's finest.
I want nothing more to get stoned and go to your little sisters petting zoo party but I need to have priorities
I blacked out for most of the day but apparently I still met with my prof. I made notes...
And now for everyone's least favorite sport... Drunk babysitting.
I fucked her wearing an American flag. Now here I am, awake, naked, and flag less. How do I report this to the police?
Your lack of enthusiasm for my exciting news of drunken debauchery with an otherwise occupied vagina of one of my greatest conquests yet disturbs me. I'm not happy with you
Are you coming to class or was the dick pic this morning your way of saying not today?
But I'm a half a mile from my bed. And I have the hiccups. I hate hiccups.
YO CONGRATULATIONS ON YOUR MÉNAGE À TROIS. YOU GO, GLENN COCO
she's a drunken disney princess. so basically me if i had a crown and no desire for independence.
DONT TELL ME I CANT HAVE AN ENTIRE BOTTLE OF VODKA AT DINNER. IM AN ADULT. I PAY BILLS.
I apologize for there being a shopping cart in the living room. I don't know how why or where i got it.
When I planned out my evening, "co-author lesbian vampire erotica" was not anywhere on my list of expected activities.
Me neither, but hey, this is where we've ended up. Let's embrace the moment.
Randomize
