How the fuck did you go into work today? You are a better man than I. I couldn't even show up to being unemployed on time.
She made the grapes disappear! ALL OF THEM!!!
my 3 year old cousin just woke up screaming "IT WON'T GO DOWN!'
i wanna stay in my bed and fart for a few more hours
Just found 50 pesos and a coke spoon in my dads old shit. Gotta love the 70s
i was drunk and our names rhymed...what was i supposed to do?
I told him we can only be friends from now on & he said he knows but that I'm the 'best he ever had'.
you slept with him again didn't you
you can't just quote Drake AND compliment me at the same time & receive nothin. he knows me too well
He's cheating on his wife, and he's judging me for eating McDonalds
Im in his room watching him sleep. Im going to try and jerk off and not get caught by the nurse.
I did a hand stand against the glass wall at Ziggy's with no panties on and got 3 phone numbers. Thank God I shaved this morning...
He wants to take me instead of his girlfriend to the happiest place on earth... By that He meant Vegas. My morals are just loose enough to think this is a good idea
He was just lying in his underwear like a present. I had to unwrap it.
sexting while watching Peter Pan the Musical! something just doesn't seem right here
Every time I start to trust vodka, it does this to me.
I've spent hours masturbating before. It's actually my favorite Sunday activity
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