so, i drunkenly called my religious roomie because i was lost and told her if she couldn't come find me, jesus would condemn her to hell for not leading me to the light .. too much?
I had sex with billy mayes last night. HE KEPT IN CHARACTER THE WHOLE TIME.
She sucked her thumb until she was 17. It's like my dick was born to be in her mouth.
I can't make Walk of Shame Wednesdays a recurring theme.
You just seemed really offended whenever my cup was empty.
I'm at the bar alone. Is this how you feel?
My pubes were yanked out by the root when they got caught in the condom. I think it's time for a bikini wax.
Jusy read on a science page that squeezing boobs can prevent cancer cells from forming in them, youre welcome.
I was living a snoop dogg song I fucked her on the floor so I wouldn't mess up my bed
Nothing like having your house arrest ankle bracelet vibrate and take a moisture sample at the exact moment you're about to blow it in some chick...buzzkill
You're the only one to love me enough for me to admit the following: Rock-bottom sounds like sobbing to a Miley Cyrus song.
So stoned that I pressed the unlock button on my car keys to walk into my bedroom...
WHAT IS WRONG WITH YOU
MANY MANY THINGS AND MOST OF THEM ARE YOUR FUCKING FAULT
Haha. I found pics last week of me getting motorboated by a girl while i was taking a shot. Hahaha in my wedding dress. Classy
He makes furniture for a living and is basically a hot, younger Ron Swanson
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