Haha Tomato, Tomato. That doesn't work very well via text message.
Planned Parenthood should have gift certificates.
...she just doesn't genetically have the things I want my kids to have.
you just broke rule number 1. If you can't lift her up don't date her
ATMs should seriously have built in breathalysers, I would save so much money.
Just picked them up. It took 6 holes and a handle of rum to evolve from golf to a demolition derby.
There's an entire pit crew of cart boys surveying the golf cart destruction.
Its ok. I handled the situation with grace and class. lol jk i got shitfaced and fucked his roomate.
Do you ever feel like a plastic bag?!
I paused the movie when the delivery guys arrived, and while they were assembling the bed, one of the guys pointed to the tv and said "why so serious?" And it made the whole experience happy.
I'm not going to say what I did. You're smart enough to figure it out. But I did it. And you owe me 20$
Someone put a huge skyy vodka bottle in our washing machine. My roommate didn't see it and ran it. The washing machine split in two. #life
Dude I should have just gone home with the guy with dreads and the cat
For the record you're an amazing lay and you have great taste in breakfast sandwiches
So I woke and tried to get up. Then I realised my foot was stuck in the pocket of the pool table.
Checked my bank account this morning...apparently I went to 7-11 at 4am and spent $22 on taquitos. New all time low for me.
I ate all of them. New all time low for ME.
Randomize
