Just saw a white stretch Hummer limo outside of CiCi's pizza. Way to live up to the stereotypes, Alabama.
Grandma was not a fan of the beer-can ornaments. Not "traditional".
Woke up to 'distilleries' on the history channel. Proceded to vomit all over the floor. Back on the wagon today.
Just tried to chase Captain Morgan with water...this whole drinking alone business is getting harder to do.
I ended up giving him head, i think it was mostly a defensive move so that he wouldn't discover i was wearing those onesy spanx
The world isn't going to end because you slept with him!
... that would be easier though.
somebody put my brain in a crown royal bag and beat the shit out of it
We see some guy emerge from the forest on the island this morning, alone, in only a snuggie. Morning shots and bagels on us for the number one walk of shame.
i told the cop we knew everyone at the party, it was 250 of our closest friends and she's like funny nobody on the balcony knew whose house this was
Thats why they were on the balcony!
So they found him after the wedding still dressed up in his feather boa and top hat passed out in a bush...
strip teases shouldnt end with an expensive car covered in salsa and mayonnaise yet here we are
I just want to eat my penis shaped food in front of you and see how you feel about it.
He got you flowers. How bad can the sex really be?
Just paid for my STD meds using a giftcard I got for Christmas. Thanks mom.
The housekeeper found my huge dildo under the bathroom sink, and another in the living room. I can't get much more single than this.
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