i dont think my boyfriend knows how much of a pain it is to shave my ass
I'm a fake celebrity on twitter. I need a life.
She just gave me a free latte.
Correction. She just have you a frothy, creamy path to that vagina.
He stopped in the middle of us having sex and asked "is today Monday?" then went even faster
it's not like this is the first time she's brought a guy home and I'm the one who hooks up with him
I just burped jalapeños and cum. That was the most disgusting thing ever.
So another one of your girlfriends from middle school had a baby. Thank god you are gay, otherwise you would definitely be a dad by now.
I needed to do something spontaneous, and since no one had coke this was the next best thing.
You said you brought chipotle into a movie and I asked you to marry me and you said yes
I woke up this morning with a tampon in my nose and food EVERYWHERE...
Stealing, and booze. If only you added meaningless sex with random people you would have wrapped all your life passions together
it'll be like a game of Russian Roulette, but with my vagina.
Just threw up in a baggy on the airplane. The guys next to me clapped and bought me a jack and coke.
Livin the dream
The hangover struggle is to real, just passed the drive thru window. Twice.
I'm drunk and don't know where I am. There's a giant metal penguin if that helps.
Randomize
