My sheets look like a crime scene.
I think I have swimmer's ear. From his tongue.
Dude I'm drinking a martini out of a water bottle, I've become my parents.
You bet me 100 dollars that the Raiders would win the super bowl this year. I have it on tape.
Sundays have taken on a whole new meaning when I'm not in bed with an excruciating hangover.
he wrote me a grocery list while i was passed out. every other item was gin. it went on for 4 pages.
If you are drunk already, then as your friend I am advising you to stop writing on your dads Facebook wall
Ok well hopefully you're not staging an intervention for me at your place because I'm bringing beers
Please tell me how I go from a guy with a coke problem to a cop. My own life doesn't even make sense to me anymore
Like I would feel weird too if you just cancelled our wedding, cut off all your hair and started twerking everywhere
I'm gonna hop on that dick and ride it into the sunset
After fooling around at the hotel til dawn, I managed to feed her with my free buffet passes. Tastes like sweet victory.
I lost my bra, he lost his virginity. Seems like a fair trade off.
I have a bottle of rum in my pocket...what does that say about me...
You come prepared
Just escaped from the ER. Meet me at the bar in 20 minutes.
Randomize
