I was being carried out of the bar, but then my friend saw Pat who just got kicked out scaling the wall to sneak back in, so he carried me back in, sat me on the bar stool, and the bartender just let us all keep drinking.
Being persistent has its perks my friend.
I knew you were gonna be a good wingman when the words "dibs on the chunky one" came out of your mouth.
What part of "waking up in the crawl space of my house with a raccoon" sounds like a good night to you?
How dare she call you insensitive. Should have told her about the time you let that girl in the wheelchair wearing the sombrero blow you.
Still had my bottle opener ring on. Started to give him a hand job. LOL
All my credit cards need to be pressure washed
You ever got drunk on $5? Cuz it's about to happen
Come get your sister, she's waving a shoe about and threatened to "teabag the Shit" out of the doorman because she can't check the shoe in.
I found out his moms name, maiden name, profession, and office location, his dads name and profession, his home phone, picture of their house, all of his work profiles, and the cost of their house. All I'm trying to do is find his damn twitter
well a fat roach just fell out of my hair. so there's that
I can hear my family downstairs singing Christmas carols as I masturbate
I'm sitting on the toilet eating a taco... I feel like a female Elvis.
For starters i called the cops on myself for trying to destroy the ladys decorations
Note to self, the correct response when a guy tells you he likes you as a person is not "ew"
Have you ever forgotten how to pee? I did last night. Standing in front of the urinal with dick in hand. WTF were we drinking???
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