I didn't slap you in the face. TEQUILA slapped you with my hand...
My lunch today consisted of going on the brewery tour with my boss. Free pretzels and two free beers.
I hate you.
To be fair, the beers are only 8 ounces each. So maybe you just kinda dislike me.
You were screaming at a bartender last night for not referring to you as god.
and apparently I tried to pay for beer with a tampon.
Wait, how do girls masturbate?
I dunno we use shower heads I guess.
..how does it fit?
Even My mom was ashamed of me bringing her home, she pulled me aside, and told me i can do better than, "butter faces"
There was an audience eating triscuts and bananas in the bathroom while watching him puke. It was a good birthday.
Just did lines off your face, congrats on getting in the magazine bro
What do you mean how did you end up there? You told him he had a face you'd like to ride, that's a deal sealer in any language.
i love you man. i hope we fuck some serious shit up this summer.
He wouldn't stop calling me so I sent him a text saying "I'm dead. Dead. Leave me alone." And he replied with "so can I see you then?"
He facetimed with his son when he was still inside of me. If that's not a dedicated dad I don't know what is
I was going to say "wearing plaid doesn't make you gay, I wear plaid!" but then... heavy sigh
There's a bull to ride and dancing on the bar is encouraged. This is my heaven. And this is why god made leopard tube tops.
Last night you were prentending to be a broom stick...you were laying on the floor and humming the Harry potter song.
Omg dude take a shower. You'll feel like god washed away all the sinful shit we did last night.
Randomize
