1:32 am: your girlfriend looks like a man
1:48 am: your uglier
so he came on my face and then proceeded to say "that was just how i imagined it would happen"
where do you find these guys?
Next time, if you wake and bake, make sure you nail the wake part. Not easy to explain to mum. Or the fire brigade.
Just found out my drug dealer is also a porn star. It's a good day.
If you can't find your cat in the morning it's cause i put him in the laundry basket and then put the laundry basket in the shower.
Hahaha wear something that says i'm here to party but wont go farther then a handjob.
I'm pretty sure they kept making references about gangbanging me but I was too stoned to catch on, I just sat there and stared at his kitten.
Did you fuck him in my garden last night?
That WOULD explain the dirt in my vagina
I'll just put on a bunch of mascara and cry right before I get there. Then everyone will recognize me.
The nausea has returned and I can't handle such things to exit my body so violently
We hit a deer while we were singing an acapella version of "I will always love you"
There's s woman at the corner of the bar dancing by herself in her seat and making eye contact with me. Please hurry.
Seriously??? You send me boob shots with your husband and kids in them???
That went from 0 to lesbian orgy much faster than expected...
it was like 6 shots in and he was automatically my type
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