I hooked up with a Michael Jackson impersonator last night. Too soon?
you were watching a documentary about sharks and wouldn't stop stroking my legs and whispering "what if they could walk?"
thanks for singing to me while i puked last night
she kept peeing on everything and yelling it was now her property.
Just tell him to eat fruit before so it tastes good. Then it's just like shotgunning a smoothie
I'm finding that as the end of the quarter approaches, the list of things I refuse to do sober keeps getting longer.
Some guy in lab is humming along to a Sara Barrilles song. Or maybe I'm just hearing the song echoing in his huge, gaping vagina.
We went to IKEA super baked wearing fake mustaches. You?
It's like a toaster oven for my penis
Serious question: Should I volunteer to get tazered? My instincts say no but my wild side says yes.
How many other adults do you think have slept naked under the Winnie the Pooh blanket sober?
To show us how offended you were you took off the right foot of your pterodactyl suit and proceeded to attack us with it.
That makes sense.. A good Bj is a trump card in any argument
Tbh.. I hope he still watches our sex tapes so he can be reminded of what he's missing out
Can you cover for me after lunch? I’ve never seen a guy who cums as much as my new Side Dick so now I need to clean the house before my husband gets home
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