Last night my friend tried to make out with me in an olive garden. Ahahah
Nothing says 'I love you' like never ending salad and breadsticks
beer pong: waldo and ernie vs. bacon and eggs... i love halloween
No. Please No. At first it was cool when you started bring an extra girl home for me but after 2 cycles of clap medicine I'm putting an end to it.
Birthday Coupon: This text is good for alteast 3 hours of Birthday Sex. Redeamable any time, anywhere, and any style.
I walked down to the adult beverage store and got two bottles of jim beam and s shooter of crwon black label because we didn't have any Tylenol
Fuck that must be a crazy sunburn.
He's so young, I keep getting a mental image of him in footie pajamas. It's cute but it's wrong. Or is it?
There was a bottle of vodka and chips in a vase next to the bed
Just did a keg stand the dropped my phone in the toilet. Sorry for partying.
You did a keg stand on the toilet?!
Ur dog was like a damn middle school chaperone this morning trying to lay between us after what he saw us do last night
I told my mom I'm great in bed. That is quality mother daughter bonding.
I do remember that in my dream I wasn't impressed with his dick.
"Being an adult" and "being happy" are two circles that do not overlap in my Venn diagram of life.
You threw away your W2 to make more room in your purse for liquor.
When we became besties with benefits we agreed I could still get dick
I didn't think I'd have to specify "not my Dad"
Wait you took his virginity AND broke his bed doing it
I know! I’m the best!
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