Solid performance last night. Wanna be fuck buddies?
I'm going to get drunk on champagne by myself.
Oh no wait my cat's here. Thank god for a second there I sounded really sad.
Ever since I got married, I've become the MacGuyver of masturbation
My mom said she was relieved to see that I'd gained some weight bc she's "always worried" that I might have AIDS.
now I know why they wanted me to come. apparently gay guys are stripper magnets
Just saw a dude hanging out a window upside down chugging a 60 of vodka. This weekend is big for everyone I guess
My bed became a clown car for his family....I'm not ready to get married
We're stoned and watching little Einstein videos. Come. Over. Now.
God I feel like the rain man of hangovers.
I have discovered my latent superpower. If a friend is dating a bi chick they will inevitably try and talk me into a threesome.
Why did you not tell me that video snapchats are a thing? This is a fucking game changer for my mobile sex life.
Uhh I just had to break up with a guy who I didn't even know I was dating...
The only thing about him that I appreciated was that he destroyed the bathroom at your birthday and missed singing to you. And we all knew.
I need to show you how I feel about you by fucking you repeatedly.
For the love of all that is holy just take the tranquilizers Erica
Randomize
