I just hatefucked a Bush administration appointee. Now having celebratory mimosas.
This exeeds the amount of high I planned on being.
You have to stop getting hammered and preaching about that mission trip to Haiti.
This isnt meant to be as creepy as it sounds, but do you seriously want a lock of the hair I cut off?
Just saw the guy with the plastic bag on his head riding his bike again...
Show him your tits if he says no
They're not help-me-out-of-jams tits. They're I-fake-people-into-thinking-they-look-good tits.
Would it be weird to tell him that on his b'day he's dressing up and we're having weird Jesus sex?
so I guess I made a note in my phone last night to remind myself not to do shrooms on the cruise ship
I found where he bartends and I guarantee you that in approximately nine months from this Friday, you will have a niece
So, my eyeglasses somehow ended up in my nightstand drawer and they're covered in lube.
I wish I could be the kind of drunk Bobbi is... She stumbles around outside at 4am with a broken high heel and babbling about rainbows and getting dick...
i woke up in just my thong, face first on my bed with all the lights on. how hungover do you think i felt?
I threw up in my 8 AM. Morale is low.
And with the bitter taste of failure in my mouth, i am off to pub to drown it in tequila and 19 year olds, so in the morning i can add pregnancy and stds to my list of problems.
In a few weeks I'll be a beautiful butterfly and me and my cat will have to repopulate the earth. WE WILL REBUILD!!
Randomize
