Just spit on a sock to clean a spot on my glass table. Oddest combination of so lazy and motivated ever.
I guess I fist pumped too hard. I hit my mom in the face and now we're sitting in the ER.
When we told the nurse what happened, she replied with "OH, Well you don't look Italian to me!"
Hey sis... Don't forget moms day is this sun. And don't get her another gift while you are freakin high this time. The vibrator was embarrassing.
FYI the vibrator was a SUCCESS. She was in a much better mood this last year. Maybe you should get high this time and get a great gift
It'd be like medium rare by now.
I love how we're talking about your vagina like it's a piece of meat.
My sister got her picture in the pub crawl section of the paper today and my dad said to me "why can't you be more like her?"
You guys need to get along, there is no need for a pissing contest...We're all fucking each others ex's.
Just sneezed out a half gram of coke into a tissue. Four hours after the fact. The bender continues.
people in the room actually applauded when we discovered you had the ability to somehow throw up on your own back
Note to self: last nights makeup does NOT, under ANY circumstances, look good today.
Why do I have a bunch of cash....and your bra.
Pretty sure that propositioning you to fly across the country for sex fest '13 isn't something my husband would approve of.
i knew it was love when she pulled a beer out from between her boobs and offered it to me
How do you say "thats kinda illegal" in thai?
That's so awful of me. Instead of comforting her I masturbated in front of my ex-boyfriend.
Florida is balancing how much this place sucks with how many vodkas you can have to cope in order to still be allowed on the plane to leave
Randomize
