my desire to fuck abstract ideas (bravery, love, popsicls,,) increases by 8bajillion% when I'm high
My financial aid advisors would be so pissed if they knew I was spending my loan money on strippers
he just sent me a pic of him naked with a bucket of margarita mix hanging off his dick
Do you ever just look at me and get embarrassed?
all my money is vodka money
I have never read a truer sentence.
Drunkenly, I gave him a molly instead of an aleve so A) I'm still looking for him and B) I'm not sure about his headache.
I'm to sober to make life ruining decisions and alcohol is to expensive at this bar for me to fear that level of drunk happening
Question. There's no better feeling than clean shaven balls. Do girls get that too?
Men are too sensitive. They need to learn to handle me.
Why would you trust me with ANYTHING!!!???
I think the pizza guy was in shock..
Well I didn't mean to answer the door only in socks but I mean come on, 4 hours of sex works up an appetite! I WAS RAVENOUS
Last night I tried to apply for a job at ihop. That drunk.
the woman that waxes my lady parts just hugged me...
were you wearing pants?
no.
you scattered cereal all over the floor so you could "re-trace your steps and figure out what happened." 20 min later you yelled about the mess and let the dog in to clean it up. 5 min after that you screamed since the cereal was gone. you suspected me and locked me in the bathroom so i could "think about what i'd done"
and you bit everyone who tried to let me out. no more tequila for you. EVER.
I just learned that I could drop out of school and spend the rest of my savings on a giraffe are you free this weekend
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