The Lord gave Farrah Fawcett 1 wish when she died. She wished that all children in the world would be safe! The Lord granted her wish and killed Michael Jackson.
I jacked off with the cucumber and then made that fatass a salad.
look out your window.... he's holding his iphone up like a boombox playing you beach boys
remember that response paper i wrote naked, at 745am still drunk with a naked dude in my bed? yeah, totally got an a- on that. and he loved my insight.
It was honestly the most delicious alcohol I've ever drank, plus the added risk of going blind from methanol poisoning really enhanced the experience.
Just saying goodbye until I figure this whole "warrant out for my arrest" thing
I will cut you
Oddly enough thats the second time today someones said that to me
Put that in perspective
When did we convert life to cartoon?
Somehow I've got the party rigged to where I get a foot massage every time someone wants a beer out of the fridge. Hellz yeah
There's no way I'm ready for marriage. I have too many pics of other guys' junk on my phone for an eternal commitment right now.
you told me your favorite colors were "pink" "no pants" and "Mexican food"
Let's put a bunch of beers in a backpack and shotgun them in a Red Lobster bathroom
I was going to say that I wasn't sure how that happened... but then I remembered that I bonded with the Australians over vitamins and INXS and they bought me tequila.
I feel like people expect me to always be a sarcastic, shade throwing drunk. And you know me, I hate to disappoint.
You better not fucking die before we have sex while you blow fire. I'm serious. Don't mess up my sexual bucket list.
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