you sent me the whole alphabet, one letter a text. it took 15 minutes to read them all
i wish my penis had a tongue
bowling with tennis balls and shot glasses. whatever you dont knock down after 2 rolls, you drink.
I'm in Target and the lady in front of me is buying three Summer's Eve douches, a box of fishsticks and a giant bottle of vodka. The sad thing is I get it.
It's the first day of summer. It's not a race it's a marathon. Pace yourself
There's some muscle relaxers in my bedside table. Sorry if my dildo is in the bathroom.
No, he's ok. He just broke his teeth on the stripper pole. No biggie.
Life gets in the way of sexy Saturday sometimes
Because at some point last night we decided that shotgunning beers from a paint stick was a good idea
The best of us have puked in our office garbage cans. I just hope yours wasn't the metal mesh kind...and bagless like mine. Rock n roll office manager.
Mmhmmm. I have a list of drunk achievement that is almost as long as my list of stoned achievements
Jesus tap dancing Christ rock out with your cock out is supposed to be just an expression. And even if it weren't no one wants pics bro.
nyquil+orgasm=very intense and oddly interesting
The guy in the room next to me just offered to hide the next dose of morphine he will get for his broken leg under his tongue and then swap it with me in exchange for a roll of the good toilet paper my parent brought for me last they visited. The psych ward is a lot more hardcore than I thought.
Well guess who isn't a virgin anymore
guess who isnt wearing pants has a shaving cream beard and is afraid theres no cream cheese in the fridge
the answer to that last one was me. the answer to the first one is you, you sly dog
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