I just came out of my doctor's office and i look into the window and i see a guy sitting in the front seat getting head.
why are you so shocked? you live in brooklyn.
Listen: if you or anyone else at work finds a starfish in a bowl, just leave it. It'll be gone by next week.
Better yet, if you find it can you put it in the mini-fridge in your office for safe keeping? Spanks.
And if it's going to get me in trouble, maybe just don't mention that I know anything about it.
He showed up to the Seder drunk and tried to convince everyone that he could read Hebrew.
He told me he was in a Proactive commercial. It didn't seem to work for him but he was buying me shots so I slept with him anyways.
I just burped jalapeños and cum. That was the most disgusting thing ever.
I'm dressed like a deranged cupcake. Let's get fucked up.
I feel strange, like something is off with my body
Yeah that's called sobering up, we've been drunk for the past 4 days
she tied the funnel to the fucking ceiling...
Next time you're baked eat baked beans and potato chips together. Like dip them in the beans. It's so good
Did you really get up in the middle of a tattoo to go get Taco Bell?
I'm coming right back.
the fact that I always have. bottle of tequila in my purse is not helping my current sitch
I woke up in his closet, with my shirt inside out and backwards, Rolos in my hand, a tortilla with a face carved into it stuck to the fridge with a magnet, a homemade bong next to the bed, and the door off the hinges... I need a chaperone.
finals do horrible things to a person. i haven't worn pants since friday
Now after not puking, next step is not to do the accent when immigration says "hello."
No, it's okay that he's on a date. I attach no more emotion to him than I do my vibrator.
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