Im partying with a unicorn. You don't even know.
he then started listing things that have been up his butt, never drinking in boys town again
Some bum walked up and watched me getting head last night for like 5 mins before I noticed him
You drunk yet?
Nope. Give me two hours then delete my texts before you read them.
Cant make any promises.
Ok cool. Ill pick up liquor because, well let's be honest, we don't need an excuse anymore.
I woke up and he had cut my bangs and put makeup on me.
I don't care how good they make you look, you've got to stop sleeping with gay guys.
Dude I broke my bong in half this morning. I kicked it as I was jerking off. I would never hide anything from you.
Its funny that cleaning up pieces of water balloons and shot glasses every morning is becoming a routine
Apparently he proposed after he saw me chug vodka out of a traffic cone.
On a not really funny at all but kinda brighter note I've gotten really good at texting in hand cuffs
Im going to be coked out with hello kitty fire arms. Valentines day can suck my dick
How did you get him out of the shower last time?
Order Taco Bell and leave a trail of burritos leading to his bed.
Remember when you walked in on me sleeping INSIDE a pillowcase?
On a separate note, I just found out some condoms aren't vegan. Problem.
Hahahaha I can't wait for you to ask "wait. are there any animal by products in that?"
He woke me up holding a gallon of apple juice and a shot glass...
Randomize
