Dude you just kept yelling "She was my first asain!" right in front of her.
i was like. eff you dude i'm 100% american. i went to a high school prom and i like springstein songs and i take rides in chevrolets.
Every good night starts with white castle burgers and shots in the parking lot.
I just speedwalked down the broken metro escalator while high. Basically all my worst fears combined
Actions speak louder than pants.
It's like there's a party and my mouth and everyone's throwing up
He tried to slow-dance with me in bed. IN BED.
We've done the math and the dogs tails are wagging at a rate of 3000 wags per hour. Stoned.
I just threw up in the bathroom next to the zebra exhibit. The kids don't know I skipped a beat. Best nanny, ever.
we can't get the sharpie off the toilet seat from where you pressed your forearm with THUG LIFE written on it while you puked until 3 last night
Oh I already celebrated valentine's day. I stayed up until 4 AM listening to biggie, drinking rum, and caressing all my girl curves in front of the mirror. And then I came 3 times.
It's a gay bachelor party, it's not like dignity is to be expected
I don't get hangovers. Except once. And there is a massively epic story behind that, involving so much alcohol I should have died, and 13 raw hotdogs.
The fact that you think I have a life is so flattering to me.
In honor of the new administration, I'm going to make it my goal this weekend to get some lesbian action. Fuck Donald Trump and fuck Mike Pence. I'm going to be a spiteful gay.
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