This is how scared I get when I ride roller coasters. And how scared I was when I had to poop when I had herpes.
Knee deep in strippers, everything is comped. will try hard to be there at 8. i promise.
just found my calculator watch from 6th grade. the hipster transformation is complete
It feels like Jesse James cheated on America.
I wasn't interested in him...but then he played The Office theme song on acoustic guitar. I'm sorry.
Dude..masurbate with cocoa butter lotion..its like cocoa pebbles just gave me a hand job
You cant carve pumpkins without vodka. It's a Halloween tradition.
I just melted my phone trying to make cookies. I think that's a sign.
Well the "Blackout with your sack out" party turned out predictably.
EVERY guy that's EVER been in my vagina has texted me tonight for a booty call. Narrow it down to the greatest hits or just work in timeline order?
I had him autograph the condom wrapper.
This guy kept trying to use "see? I'm clean. Cleared by the plasma place today." as a pick up line. This is not okay.
look when god gives you a dick that good for his son's birthday you don't question it
I just watched an old episode of Daria while eating brownies to cure day drunkness. Clearly I'm winning at adulting today.
don’t ask me. i snorted coke off of a pregnancy test box last night. i obviously don’t make the best life choices.
Randomize
