My carpet still smells like piss and I THINK YOU KNOW WHY.
Picking up third year law school girls is like MILF hunting for beginners
Her hair smelled like a rat dipped in mustard on fire
my phone vibrated itself into my puke bucket and literally sizzled. you'll have to reach me at this number for a while.
You need to take one for the team and go bang a random sample of mexicans. Cause my internets broke and I can't google mexican foreskin stats.
So my retainer doesn't fit, so i'm getting drunk so i can put it back in. Alone.
You would...
If you're trying to subtly tell me that I look like Connie Chung, just stop it. I already know.
if your not going to answer your phone this is just going to be an embarrassment tomorrow
Scored tix to flower show. Do we want to go drunk on Saturday or hungover on Sunday? Only two options.
He insisted on us having sex while watching the biggest loser and asked me if I could "resist the temptation".
I was the king of the handle race. My team finished it in 56 minutes.
you don't get it. Nobody wins a handle race. there just degrees of losing.
I ate all his french fries. He was no longer useful to me.
Well, we could've been at the bar taking a shot everytime my rash spread. But Noooooo. You had to go out with your non- girlfriend. Lame.
I woke up wearing nothing but my red thigh high socks and a blue wig. I have no idea what happened.
Can’t. Tonight’s a netflix and dick night
Randomize
