My boobs aren't big enough for this kind of lifestyle
I was speaking french the whole night. Until i got arrested. Then I decided I should probably start speaking English.
you dragged me by my throat over to the shots. this is a new level of alcoholism..
It's like salsa. But with balls in it. I like to call it balsa
He brought a TOOTHBRUSH and TOOTHPASTE with us on our date..... I want to go home and forget I ever decided to be nice and go on this date in the first place...... A TOOTHBRUSH!?!?!
the cashier ate half of our fries before she gave them to us so i think it's safe to say they don't do drug testing there
People around me are just doing lines of cocaine. Like its no big deal. And I'm just here like.... Y'all want some cheezits?
Things I want for my birthday 1. a Chipotle grade tortilla steamer 2. a new liver
Yep I can make a seagull sound. It's identical. I tried it. They thought I was talking to them. It's pretty cool.
Professor just informed us that she can't come to class today because her daughter broke her glasses and she can not see where she is going. Am I still drunk from this weekend?
I'm drunk in a place called Lick-A-Chick. PS. It's not a lesbian hot spot, they sell chicken.
WHEN YOU HAVE SEX WITH A GUY FROM A DIFFERENT COUNTRY YOURE SUPPOSED TO NEVER SEE THEM AGAIN
He's been pretending to be gay for 3 months in order to get free weed.
Definitely the only person to buy 2 handles a 2 bottles of champagne & 3 thirties while wearing a fanny pack
According to the office gossip the new secretary is “a homewrecking whore”. Think I should spend $27 on a fake wedding ring?
Yes! Want that picture of you and my nephew?
Randomize
