I haven't shaved so I have to behave myself. I'm going to do this from now on.
Can you bring me a pair of sunglasses to the bathroom please... Don't judge me.
when you tell me you got me a birthday present, I have to assume it will show up in a drug test.
Why is there bacon braided in my hair
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Well it involved jumping two nine foot fences. But when you mix alcohol and persistence you can't lose.
New high score, I made the stripper choke me while I was getting a lap dance last night
He just got dropped off drinking a flask, sitting on the handlebars of a chinese delivery man's bike
Tonight's gonna be epic. Did he bring my noodles?
Oh god iv'e slept with this police officer before oh god oh god
I knew you were super hungover. But so hungover you fire our house cleaner because her vacuums too loud is excessive
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
And then you refused to pee in anything but a sink
The teenager outdrank all of us. All. Of. Us. I woke up and she was getting everyone water and fruit snacks. I give up.
So yeah, turns out I enjoy vaguely public group sex. Who knew?
It's days like today, when my bra and underwear match, that make me feel like I'm getting my life together...
Well if I can't snuggle you, I might as well snuggle a stranger's cat.
I just got a hug from a random kid in my class. he said I was a champ at the bar last night..someone help me.
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