Ryan Howard.... the only guy who struck out more than me this weekend
tequila makes her clothes fall off
wow Mom, sounds like youre having a good time
That girl you went home with last night was dressed in a bright blue sweats at the bar. 205lb Smurffete FTL. Boy were you in epic form.
Just had a serious bathroom emergency at walmart a and it appears that i ate a taco bell burrito wrapper last night
1 in 5 deaths i nrussia is alcohol related. GO MOTHERLAND
ever have one of those nights where you feel like you should leave the house with your insurance card? that is tonight, my friend.
What drink are we having for lunch?
No need to talk. Eventually, he'll either stop coming over, or decide that it's a relationship.
And if not?
...I keep getting free bourbon and great sex with no expectations. You really don't understand that there is no "down side," do you?
The only difference between us and a pack of 14 year old girls is substance abuse
Just got a snapchat from him that was a video of with the caption "my new apartment" in Brazil. I think we might not be seeing eachother anymore.
It's okay I didn't send any nudes tonight so we are safe *inserts photo of a baseball umpire doing the safe signal*
don't worry, i'm not mad. i'm just angry. and furious. and about to set your ass on fire.
There is a fake eye lash glued to one of my balls.
I shouldn't have to tell you to stop throwing knives at me.
Found my paycheck. It was in the freezer
Randomize
