he made me salute his american flag boxers before i took them off
I'm not high anymore, I decide when it's done.
just woke up and this girl had my cellphone nestled in the front of her thong. i kept thinking "is this a trap?"
doesn't matter. i just recorded the power rangers theme song on my phone. and its loud. was thinking we could use it as our entrance song as we walk into bars.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
birth control and beer are two of the most beautiful creations ever invented.
found your viking helmet in the parking lot this morning, its missing a horn. There was still liquor in the remaining horn. shots from a viking helmet should be mandatory.
I have a sudden craving for National Treasure 2. THIS IS WHY DRUGS ARE AWESOME
I got cut off for calling the flower girl a slut. What are you doing?
..But I'm still alive. And thats the main thing
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
she walked out and i tried to get her to come back but i couldn't remember her name so i just whistled... future reference: that doesn't work
Im blowing my nose and the only thing coming out is beer
Please hurry up and come back. This is so awkward. He's showing me banana videos.
It looks like I murdered a care bear and put its blood in my hair to warn the others off.
Guess what I signed up for?!?!?!
Please tell me you're not selling your eggs.
Odd start to the day - the FBI just showed up at my apartment.
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