You picked a bad night to stay in. ____ caught her hair on fire in ____'s birthday cake.
She had to stop drop and roll while two other girls beat the flames out. She might have a black eye
Just erased 'masturbate' from my mental To-Do list because I've got too much stuff to do. I hate adulthood
Complete silence. Background Willy Wonka music. An empty back of Lay's BBQ chips. These are the ingredients for an extreme acid trip.
Unemployment check just came in. As soon as I stop pretending I have morals I'm buying weed. Puff puff pass uncle sam.
It's one of those days where you order the free Papa John's pizza so the delivery guy can bring you Coke to go with your rum. The tip was more than the order.
Why does every bad decision I make wind up having 1000 likes on YouTube?
Is it a good time to tell him he's getting too clingy if he sent me a picture of my name spelled with Cheerios?
my mom just told me I should hit it and quit apparently she does not like this new girl
I blacked out at work again... Except this time my boss watched me throw up by the bus stop and some woman let me sleep on her shoulder for an hour. Why does this keep happening?
I can't believe I forgot to wish you a happy 13 week-iversary of the time you raw-dogged a rando. Only two days late, so it still counts. And since your 14 weeks is coming up, you should know that at 14 weeks your baby can squint, frown, grimace, pee, and possibly suck his/her/their/zir thumb!
Idk man there's lots of bad dick but even a bad cookie is still pretty good
Clearly you've confused me for someone who has their shit together, and honestly I have no idea how you did that.
Once the overwhelming "oh god my crotch is on fire" wears off, that excite stuff is really nice
Do you ever get so high you're like vibrating
I’ll call you in a minute. Trying to book an AirBnB so I can finally bang the yummy guy from yoga
Your downward dog is going to rock his cock. I’m jealous
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