im 80% sure the guy across from me is taking pictures of my legs
So apparently vaginal secretions are not covered under water damage insurance for my cell phone
If tjhis were a lake full of vodka and i were a ducl Id swim my way down and ddrink my way up
he said he would handcuff me to his penis. thats not even possible. i want to go home.
Please tell me that's his leg and you didn't really just send me a picture of your dog's dick
It's 9am. I'm four lines ahead of you already. Wake up.
The uberlube is also flammable
I'll be thirty in eight months. I think my goal is too stop changing my pants in the parking lot at work by then.
My old dealer would be proud of the drug cocktail I just took for my back pain.
Actually here it's more "lie around naked in a dark room" weather.
Who put the fucking tampon in my Mike's hard lemonade?
Also I know you probably did not understand anything I said on the phone last night but thank you for pretending.
He's driving 2 hours to visit me and he's bringing weed. I love him so much.
I was told today that I'm the ugliest bartender in the area, so, I guess I have that going for me.
i could only love him more if he was covered in glitter.
Randomize
