My roommate still talks on AIM. What is this middle school?
I feel so much closer to you now that I heard your poop splash into the toilet.
Just mindlessly walked into the mens bathroom. My vagina has now become its own independent being, looking for penises. I'm just along for the ride.
You SHOULD feel empty, we were at the top of our game, and by that i mean snorting things we don't understand and only a few steps away from adultery.
Been in the ER for 3 hours now. This hospitals transition to paperless is not going well. But my doctor looks like Elton John and just gave me percocet
Can you explain to me how i got kicked out of a bar last night, from outside the bar?
The next time you fuck up, your grandma sees your dick pics
im on the hungover til tuesday pabst blue ribbon diet
He came on my pillow pet. That's unacceptable. I hate boys.
Just go read my twitter... There's a play by play. It starts with a penis pump
Apparently drunk me thought it was a good idea to buy $100 worth of band aids and stick them all over everything in the apartment.
there is a spider sitting on top of my weed like he owns it or some shit
no but seriously tf do i do? i have that spider phobia but i think my lvoe of the weed overpowers it
should i be that dick who brings a carpet in an uberpool
Why are you moving a carpet?
it's unimportant
After I chugged my beer the cop slapped my ass and said "atta girl" this can't be real life.
I just got out of a $280 speeding ticket by acting like The Big Lebowski. Seriously Jeff Bridges is the man.
Randomize
