It smells like Drakkar Noir and desperation out here.
That's why you should quit smoking.
Currently standing on top of my parents leather couch with no pants on playing helicoptor with my penis. You?
Do you ever just think "I could really go for a good 30 minute blowjob". I do. Everytime jill smiles.
We talk about tequila and blow jobs the way that normal people talk about the news and the weather.
I lost track of him after he threw the handful of pennies at the 2 female cops and ran into the darkness. I heard a tazer and a scream. All that is left is his flip flop. Its like hes drunken man-derella.
Please come and rip my uterus out before it does it itself
Oh Brad. Your poor brain, always being ignored for your penis and crazy women.
I seriously just caught my Pina colada from falling of a table perfectly facing up. I will now reward myself by finishing this one and then getting my 8th
You went to the animal party as a hoodrat. You won the most creative costume contest.
i don't think fitbit tracks "flipping the fuck out" as activity.
I made the last cup in beer pong off the dude's hat. I also faintly remember rapping Forever by Drake during said game.
I knew it was you who came home last night because no one else would walk in at 3 am and start microwaving a burrito
This Asian instant coffee I found in ur kitchen is like crack. Who knew I could feel my heart beating in my asshole after one cup of this happiness.
and i walked downstairs to find my brother using nunchucks, and making the appropriate noises. i simply asked "why"; his reply? "why the fuck do you think?". i love my family.
I am watching the most amazing drunk person ever. Literally such a trooper that you can put anything in front of him he'll drink it. His latest reason for taking another shot was: well whatever. I'm never gonna get married anyway.
Randomize
